you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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