so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
