Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
