Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
