WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
