Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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