Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
how do you play pong handcuffed?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
