Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
