I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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