I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
