thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
