i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize