if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
