Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
