he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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