if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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