Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
