Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
