I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize