I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
