She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
