he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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