and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
