how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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