y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
