Where is the hickey?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
