The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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