Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
two words: eviction party
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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