Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
