if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Two words: blizzard sex
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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