JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
