Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
As shirtless as possible
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
