I accidentally had phone sex last night
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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