My sheets look like a crime scene.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
