Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
