Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize