I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
