yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
3 2 1 whiskey
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
