She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
