seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
