she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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