I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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