all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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