Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
