Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
