I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
