just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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