Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
