I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize