she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
