im drinking this country out of the recession.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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