a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
