just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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