i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize