So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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