i was born a porn star she said
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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