I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
