ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
