I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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