on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
